"You would be in hell..." ~ Jane Eyre

Despite being a foodie and enjoying all kinds of cuisines and dishes, there are some foods that I just cannot consume. Its not because I have not tried them or consider myself a picky eater (like some people I know). On the contrary, I have tried the foods and loathed them.

A few nights ago I was discussing foods that I disliked and then became inspired to write a post about some of the foods that would exist in Hell for me...

1) Olives ~ I think if one is Armenian or Greek or Italian, the love of the olive should be in one's ancestral blood. Unfortunately, everyone in my family loves olives except for me and my twin sister. I don't know what it is. Actually, I do. I eat an olive and get a severe chill down my spine and the urge to spit it out. However, I happen to love olive oil, especially flavored olive oil for dipping bread into. I also really love the color olive; its a nice shade of green.

2) Cilantro ~ It tastes like soap. Thankfully chefs like Ina Garten also assert that cilantro tastes like Palmolive. Of course there are chefs who love using cilantro, such as Rachel Ray. Come to think of it, Rachel Ray is hell personified. I would rather chew cilantro than have to listen to her for even an hour. If I had to choose between having my entrails eaten by vultures all day, then have them regenerate at night just to have vultures eat them again the next day OR have to hear Rachel Ray say "Yum-O" for eternity, I would have to just say ciao to my entrails for the day.

3) Raw Tomatoes ~ A raw tomato's texture is too pulpy and juicy for me to enjoy. When I prepare bruschetta, I always use a paring knife and scrape out the innards of the tomato, otherwise the dish would become watery and tasteless. I love any kind of cooked tomatoes, and ketchup is the condiment of choice always. During the ketchup/mustard/relish race at the Brooklyn Cyclone's game last month, J. Sarah and I vehemently cheered on ketchup whilst J.Sarah's fiance cheered for mustard. I am sorry, but mustard is not a universal condiment; ketchup is. (This was a serious discussion complete with email banter back and forth in addition to arguing the day of the game)

4) Balsamic Vinegar Dressing ~ Blech. I use balsamic to cook only (it actually is great to add to sausage and peppers for an excellent caramelization). I hate vinegar on salads. I hate most salads, too, but especially ones with balsamic vinegar.

5) Marzipan ~ I am always the first to say that there is no such thing as a food being too sweet, but marzipan is the exception. Indeed, it should just be utilized for decoration, because I have actually sucked sugar from a raw sugar cane and realized that marzipan is sweeter. I also dislike anything almond flavored except for an actual almond.

Hellish food is a topic that came up in discussion with the Naked Manatee a few evenings ago. This morning I chatted with some friends and loved ones and decided to share and comment on some of their foods in Hell...

John ~ He said pickled herring, pickled eggs, and miso soup. I am with him on the pickled parts, but I can't agree with the miso soup. He disagrees with me, but seaweed and tofu in broth is just delicious. John is definitely a meat and potatoes kind of guy. The irony? His girlfriend is Swedish and the Nords pickle everything. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there was not one meal he and I have had that did not involve meat; our first dinner together was Peter Lugers.

Lime ~ She said Indian food or anything with curry. Personally, I love Indian food (except when its a dish made with cilantro) and consider tandoori chicken and any kind of curry heaven. Still, I am not a fan of spicy Thai food because it includes tons of cilantro.

Robin ~ Being twins, she and I share a loathing for olives, grapefruits, and "Taco Hell" (as she put it). Still, she dislikes mushrooms (I love shrooms) and artichokes (spinach and artichoke dip is heaven with a chip). Other than those items, our tastes are fairly identical.

D.R. ~ I wasn't going to include him because he is, by far, the pickiest eater I know, and to write about the foods he hates would be a dissertation in and of itself. His eating habits are an enigma to me; how he survived the mess hall at West Point is beyond my cognitive skills. Food in hell for him includes pork chops and ham. Now, consistency tells us that bacon would be on the list as well. But no, it isn't. D.R. told me that "bacon is in heaven." Another hellish food item he listed is buckwheat; I suppose he hates blinis? I mean, what else is really made with buckwheat? Rounding out his list is fish, broccoli and cheese pizza pockets, and the mints left on pillows in a hotel. Are mints considered a food? And for that matter, are pizza pockets considered a real food?

Jack ~ He did not refuse anything to eat until the other day he was given a jar that was accidentally bought by his mommy: corn and squash. I shall not describe how we knew that he disliked it.

I would enjoy hearing from others about their choice of hellish foods...