Eyre Affairs

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Friday, June 06, 2008

"I should say I loved you..." ~ Jane Eyre

Perhaps I have not been entirely truthful.

I have been writing these past few months...just not all of my words have been here on the blog. I have a red moleskin notebook that has been filled with my thoughts of him since the night after our first date, now almost four months ago. The notebook has been by my nightstand, in his eyesight without knowing what it was. It was my way of expressing myself to him in moments where the feeling was too intense to carry in my heart alone, but not emote directly to him due to my vulnerabilities. Only a few weeks ago did I finally have the courage to share it with him, and that moment was intense for me...it was, indeed, one of the most vulnerable moments I have had in my life.

There are an infinite number of reasons as to what makes him a best friend, a best boyfriend, and a best lover to me. One of the quintessential reasons is that he never makes me feel I ever have to be self-conscious about my emotions, thoughts, and feelings; he is so accepting of who I am, just as I am accepting of who he is.

I didn't intend to share my writing here, but he encouraged me to do so. I wont share more than one, and this is the one I want to share with one significant addendum: the trust referred to has, indeed, been earned and given freely...

March 2, 2008

This bed smells like us...as if we embedded ourselves into the fabric of the sheets as we made love and unfolded into each thread. I think of you in this moment ~ your eyes, forearms, lips, hands, chin, chest, skin. I love touching your skin...smelling your skin. I love the color of your skin and the contrast of the tones of our hands when we lock our fingers together.
What I hate is that I cannot put my thoughts into my speech on matters of my feelings pertaining to you. I am still angry at myself for breaking down last night and giving into your interrogation of me - of my thoughts when it comes to you. What do you want to know? I feel like nothing I express could even be believed by you right now. More time must pass. I feel as though time is against me, and for you as well. Trust must be earned, not given freely. I do not trust you completely ~ not yet.

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14 Comments:

Blogger Leigh said...

Beautiful. I did the exact same thing. When I began dating the man who now i s my husband, I wrote. Like you in a little bedside book. The only person I have dated and wrote about. My feelings were to strong to share with him. I didnt want to scare him. I didnt kow if he felt that intensity for me. Months later, I shared it with him. He was touched to say the least. I do much better in putting my feeling onto paper, saying words sometimes just doesnt give them life the way that I feel them. We still have the book, as well as all the cards and letters we have given one another over the last 13 years.

I think it is a beautiful way of expression.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Boxer said...

I came by for the Mac/Cheese recipe and here I find something far more beautiful.... you are a lovely writer and he's a lucky guy.

I think we write differntly when actually putting the pen to paper.. a lost art on many, but not you.

Have a great weekend.

5:57 PM  
Blogger frizzy scissorhands said...

i love "...unfolded into each thread." that captures the essence of that feeling ... that most visceral feeling.

with respect to writing ... i, too, feel somewhat self-conscious about sharing my writing with those closest to me. my writing tends to be from the viscera ... and conveys those thoughts and sentiments that can only come out when my hands are moving and my mouth is not.

in a sense, writing feels like carving pieces of myself up ... for the offering. i suspect that is why my writing tends to captivate people ... but, nonetheless its somewhat frightening to offer oneself up lie that.

you write wonderfully.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

I love how your writing regarding Mr. Fantabulous is so...floaty. It's like this powerful entity, this calming and powerful emotion and your writing reflects that. It's nice...kind of brings me back to the roots of my own wonderful romance. I haven't commented thus far on the subject because you've been so purposely guarded on the topic. I'm glad to see that your happiness continues to grow and with it so does your comfort level.

6:51 PM  
Blogger ThursdayNext said...

Leigh ~ I cannot tell you how wide my smile was when I read your comment - it gives me hope. I can only imagine how beautiful your writings are in that book; you are a gifted writer.

ABoxer ~ I just posted the mac and cheese recipe on epicurean escapades (link is on my profile!). The chocolate cake recipe will be there by Sunday! Thanks for your kind words...I hope you have a great weekend, too. :)

Frizzy ~ Indeed, I love your intense writing that is from your core. I know it can feel like an offering up of sorts, but it would be a shame if you kept your writing to yourself.

Slim ~ I cant wait until he finds out his new nickname is Mr. Fantabulous! I am still trying to figure out how to refer to him here. I want to call him the Prince for two reasons: he truly is one in my eyes and his middle name translates to it. :)

In all seriousness, you are one of my longest readers and were apt to pick up how unusually guarded I am about he and I. It is going to take time to grow into this comfort level for many reasons. I think the main reason now is that I am so overwhelmed with how amazing all of this is that I cant really write or think straight!

8:08 PM  
Blogger she said...

being in love seems to be a major catalyst for creative endeavor. what a treasure that little moleskine will be. lucky man youve got. im happy for you!!!

mac n cheese.
and cake!

forget obama. Thursday Next for president!! a cake on every plate.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Bird said...

ah, lovely - on so many different levels.

life can be so vulnerable and perfect - all at the same time.

i am happy for you.

8:43 PM  
Blogger ThursdayNext said...

She ~ Indeed, it is amazing what art we all revere was inspired by love - either in real life or in myth. Right now my entire apartment smells like chocolate cake - I will post the recipe on Sunday! Indeed, my platform for presidency would be mandatory chocolate cake eating because I would implement universal health care anyway so its all good. :) I still think you had the best mac and cheese recipe a while back...

Birdie ~ Thank you sweet birdie...those sentiments mean so much to me.

9:06 PM  
Blogger HLiza said...

I used to write in a journal..all truthful things but I find they're never safe and I will always get into trouble when anybody reads them...I did write about my love life when we started dating and I guard them like my own life till now..not even my hubby reads it till now. He pretty much knows about it but respect my decision not to let him read it. I still read them when I can..
I wish you guys find the ultimate happiness...love is sweet!

3:21 AM  
Blogger foam said...

truly beautifully written post ..
he is a lucky fellow. and i'm sure he's wonderful.
l too came by for the food ..
but this is food for thought. it struck a chord within me.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Frumteacher said...

How special of you to share this intimate piece with us, your readers. As bird says, it makes me so happy to read how well things are going for the two of you! Thank you for sharing with us! You are a gifted writer.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Jack of Cakes said...

What beauty! You have inspired me to do the same.I am gonna start today! But unlike other people we know, i will write without the the fear of being read at a later date. There will be nothing in there that will be hidden or come to haunt me at anothee date. I will not do what one particular ex did to me.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Bird said...

MANDATORY chocolate cake eating?

If only we had known sooner, we could have avoided the lengthy Democratic primary - you would have been a shoe-in!

Is it too late to announce?

5:12 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

I appreciate your words, but it was I that was moved at your words.I think your words are gorgeous! You are such a talent! Words are so beautiful and you certinaly know how to evoke the essence of their meaning in a word. With you it seems not just a word, but a feeling, its tangible. Again, you are so talented!!!

7:55 PM  

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