"My being longed for renewal..." ~ Jane Eyre

It has been the longest of winters literally and figuratively.  

For those who know me, you would think there were previous moments in my life where I would have truly felt my innocence lost, but this past winter was truly a time when I felt nothing would ever be the same again. Death of friends, death of a former way of American economic life, even the death of two baseball stadiums that were filled with important memories I have of both grandfathers.  The winter itself lingered a long time here;  I wore my winter coat up until three weeks ago, still waking up to the cold and needing warmth during my morning commute.  The light of the warm sun of spring just never seemed in sight.  I felt like Jane Eyre during her long days of depression and fog after she travels a harsh road away from Thornfield. 

But then, Jane awakens, and is finally able to enjoy life again...and return to Thornfield.  Nothing is ever the same there...except one thing:  her love and happiness with Rochester.  Throughout all of this, the Prince and I have grown stronger, as has our love.  And, thankfully, as the warmth of the sun has finally arrived and the flowers are in bloom (such as the one in the photo from my garden),  our lives feel like they have blossomed once again.

All of a sudden life has become happy again.  It wont ever be the same, but at least life feels more and more back to normal now that spring is upon us. 

"The New Year had been celebrated..." ~ Jane Eyre

My New Year's resolution is simple: be greedier.

It may strike one as an odd resolution at first, but it actually is not. Its the best resolution one can give herself, and I have every intention of sticking to this resolution.

I am going to want more time savoring what is best in my life. I do so already, but one can never be too rich in the simple pleasures and serene beauty of everyday moments with a lover, with friends, and with family. I do not take my blessings for granted, but I can take a little bit more from life. In the wake of the tragedy that has ensued, this is a promise to myself. I am taking more...much more...bowlfuls more.

More dates set to cook with Jack. More reasons to gather friends around me. More time for myself. More moments for creativity. More time to sip my coffee rather than gulp it. More time for my body to slim down. More time to blog. More time on the phone with my parents when we talk. More indulging in cookbook recipes. More naps on weekends. More champagne drinking when at a bar. More days at the beach this summer. More cocktails with umbrellas in them. More music for the Ipod. More comedies and less dramas.

When I am with the Prince, more minutes before our lips part during a kiss, more time holding each other, more pauses so I can stare into his eyes, more time away together on weekend getaways, more nights just sitting on the couch drinking scotch, more cooking meals together in the kitchen, more lazy days playing Star Wars video games, more days out on the town in Manhattan, more time together with each other's families.

Happy New Year to my dear readers - may you be greedy this year and enjoy each moment of life....

"Had not yet found that peace of God which passeth all understanding..." ~ Jane Eyre

The photo above is one I took a week ago in the early hours of dawn. A blanket of snow had just covered New York, and I stepped outside the door to my apartment, where this classic latern is located, with my camera to try and caputure this serene moment. I had slept another unrestful night and sought some refuge for peace and quiet outside.

To me, the paradigm of peace is the outdoors after a snowfall. There is nothing but a calm silence that permeates the air the snowflakes fall in. The white on the ground is indicative of purity itself, and something about it all just envokes serenity in the heart.

I look to the latern and hope to find some light in my heart, for it has been heavy these past two weeks. I thank all those who left comments of kindness here; they mean so very much. My Christmas was blessed, and I am so thankful to have spent it with the love of my life and my family. The Prince told me that I must start writing again, and I shall. Another day or so and I shall...

"The pattering rain on the forest leaves was the only sound audible..." Jane Eyre

He texts me to ask what train I am on, and I tell him the time. He then asks if he can pick me up at his station, the one right before mine. His explanation is "so you do not have to walk in the rain."

So there I am, on a commuter train sitting in a window seat with the book I am currently reading, The Life of Pi, open, and I read this text message. All of a sudden I instinctively turn to the window and repress my tears. The rain drops falling slowly down the window pane of the train reflect my inner thoughts. The urge to cry tears of joy is also mixed in with a pleasurable frustration at the situation.

I want to text him: Baby, since the day we became one, I never walk in the rain anymore.

But I don't.

He knows that already...so I wipe the few tears away from my eyes and smile a smile that grows wider and wider until I reach the passenger seat of the car. At that moment, the smile folds my lips into the shape I most love - the shape of my lips on his.

"A border of gold lace..." ~ Jane Eyre

Autumn gold is in full force here on the north shore of Long Island - also known as the gold coast. I am sipping a gold chardonnay in the mid-afternoon with the windows open as fresh, fall air enters my apartment. Lately, with the new job on Wall Street, the balancing of life has become as asymmetrical as the trees in autumn- not one is the same hue. Still, life is golden and I am thankful for my job at the bank that is now the custodian for the government, my family who is doing well, my friends who are celebrating all kinds of milestones lately, and my beloved Prince who is, himself, golden in my eyes and in my heart. I am hoping that the golden candidate in my eyes becomes America's prize on Tuesday night, for him being elected right now to lead our nation is priceless. I hope that Americans realize that it is time for change, just as autumn changes the landscape of the earth, we need to change the landscape of this country. In the darkest winter ahead, he will keep us protected until spring arrives. I glance now at my voter registration card, anxious for it to be Tuesday already so I can place my finger on the bar that has the name of the first African-American candidate in history. What an amazing milestone it will be for me, in that voting booth, in that particular moment. Golden...just golden. The mere thought makes me hopeful and less anxious about the future, and I feel more relaxed in this moment and once again able to enjoy life again just a little bit more.

"What a great place it was for one lonely little dame..." ~ Jane Eyre

Moi posted her results on Bite the Apple the other day, and I am so thankful to her for sharing this Brassy Broad Test. I took it this morning, and here are the results were not surprising. Robin and I grew up loving The Thin Man movies.

Your result for The Classic Dames Test ...
Myrna Loy
You scored 29% grit, 29% wit, 24% flair, and 36% class!

You are class itself, the calm, confident "perfect woman." Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You always know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you're a great help to your partner even if they don't immediately see or know it. You are one classy dame. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant, you little simmerpot, you.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-classic-dames-test

There is a Classic Leading Man Test as well...I think my Prince would fall somewhere in between Clark Gable and Gregory Peck.

"I remember it now, and I know that it was the effluence of fine intellect, of true courage..." ~ Jane Eyre

The conversation about character ensued once again yesterday between me and the Prince. The Prince told me he was rethinking my placement, and expressed to me that perhaps I should also be in Gryffindor since...well...there is a lot of Hermione in me. At first I scoffed at this. Me? But then realized the fact that my Friday nights spent in the Hofstra University library studying was not going to help me in this argument. Nor were the facts of my bookish ways, sense of confidence, and corrective ways when it comes to instructing others. Still, I thought I belonged in Ravenclaw, so I took four different Harry Potter personality quizzes online this morning to confirm that. It confirmed something, all right.

I am Hermione.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night the Prince and I decided to stay in and watch the first film, and after we got off the phone I had some ideas in my head to surprise him with and make it a special evening. First, my goal was to have butterbeer and pumpkin pie for dessert. Then I started thinking about how fun it would be to decorate a bit and use plates and napkins as part of that. Then I started thinking even more about decorating, and this is what I did:

- put a black light in my floor lamp

- lit candles everywhere

- placed spider tablecloth on table along with matching spider plates and cups

- decorated table with fake eyeballs

- purchased clear skeleton mugs for butterbeer

- got Griffyndor scarf and Harry glasses to put on the Prince as a surprise

We decided to get comfort food from our favorite local pub as takeout - burgers and spinach and artichoke dip. I had Beck's Oktoberfest beer and Smutty Nose Pumpkin Ale in my refrigerator. I also had gone to the liquor store to get Butterscotch Schnapps to make butterbeer. When he arrived, I closed the door so he couldn't see what I had done and told him to close his eyes. I led him in and then placed the scarf and glasses on him and had him open his eyes. It was a wonderful evening and I am excited to continue our plans to read the books and watch the films together. As for the butterbeer, we both loved it: one part butterscotch schnapps on ice to four parts vanilla cream soda. Mmmmm.

"Seasons of that region..." ~ Jane Eyre

The prince is a man for all seasons

Oh, yes he is comparable to Moore in that he is an amazing scholar, philosopher, and intellect, but I mean in the literal sense that he is a man for all seasons.

For the first time in my life I don’t mind that summer is ending, or that cold winds shall come, or that darkness will be abound in hours that were once light. So far in the six months we have been together, three seasons have passed, and the experiences became as unique and special as he is. Its not the activities in the seasons that make them meaningful with him, it is just being with him that is most significant.

Although it could be winter forever and if I was with him it wouldnt matter, I must admit that I am most excited about autumn with him - the only season we haven't shared yet. We cheer for the same football team, and I look forward to breezy, cool Sundays in front of the television, wrapped in a blanket and eating bowls of hot chili topped with cheddar cheese and crispy tortilla strips as the Giants work to clench another kind of bowl in their particular season. We decided to read all the Harry Potter books before the next film comes out this fall, and I am looking forward to our discussions about how Hermione and Ron are perfectly imperfect for each other before bundling up in pea coats and hats to go see The Half Blood Prince. The Prince's birthday lies in November, and I cannot wait to shower him with all the gifts he deserves and make him the cake of his choosing. He was a football player in high school, so I hope to rouse him and get him to play touch football or at least throw a football around as our feet make crunching noises on the fallen leaves. I want to go apple picking with him and search for the perfect pumpkin together.
I want to make him all kinds of pies - sweet potato pies and shepherd's pie from my oven that serves as another means to heat my apartment when the weather turns cool. I can't wait for weekend getaways and nights we just stay in watching movies and sipping spiced cider. Hopefully he will celebrate Halloween with us as we indulge Jack in all of the excitement of the holiday and I cook for the family that night. Annually, its been individual meat loaves with mashed potatoes and green beans with tons of candy for dessert. I requested we do a Star Wars marathon together - watching the original three films in one day...though truthfully it is always about Empire. I look forward to wearing thick, plaid skirts again with tights and rubbing his leg underneath the table inconspicuously as we dine out and drink red wines instead of summery whites.

Of course summer isnt over just yet, but it is no matter because I feel like each day is a beach day when we are together...carefree, blissful, and perfect.

"While such honey-dew fell..." ~ Jane Eyre

Its Saturday night and I am listening to "Honey, Honey" from the Mamma Mia soundtrack, keeping up with my latest ABBA kick since Wednesday night when I saw the film with sis Missy. I am totally thinking of the Prince as I sip a cocktail made with vodka and valencia/mango juice in a blue martini glass and am singing along to lyrics such as "Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey..." He is on his way here soon, and as the song goes, I feel like I wanna sing when you do your thing.

Life is as sweet as honey lately and as thickly rich. I was cruising in the car earlier with the sunroof open, blasting ABBA, looking at the blue skies, sipping the bottom caramel layer of an iced caramel macchiato, and totally enjoying the moment of bliss because I feel the most relaxed and the most secure than I have in a great while.

So far, thirty has been the best year in my entire life, and I am so excited for the rest of the year to unfold. I wouldnt trade this moment for anything, and I wouldnt go back to my twenties if I had the chance. I was a dancing queen at seventeen and loved that time until college ended, and then I feel like I wasted a lot of emotions in my early twenties. I love that I am able to take a chance on me once again and change my lifestyle these days. Indeed, lately I give myself credit for being a super trooper and forging ahead despite some hard obstacles. I can spend more time doing things I love, like reading historical fiction that recounts the moments in the battle of Waterloo. In the end, I think I have figured out the name of the game, and I have never been happier because I am the winner taking it all.

So, what's your favorite ABBA song and why? :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P3SWl0EAAs

"Then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed..." ~ Jane Eyre

My boyfriend and I have both been reflective about the strong components of our relationship of late. I have to say that the connection of creativity is one of the many strong dynamics of our partnership.

Last night we wrote a poem together, in bed, stemming from an exercise of choosing words, writing separate poems, and then combining the two. He said that our poem needs to be edited, but I prefer it in its raw form right now. As for the last stanza, well, after sharing moments like this with him, it is impossible for me to imagine not writing poetry with him for all the days to come...

Missed Pain
by Amy and A.K.J.

Under duress
I allow the light
slowly
through the window pane.

The loss of night.
The loss of you.

Without you I cannot move.
I cannot feel,
I cannot do.

The pleasure I derive wanes.

While the night grants us
another moment,
I still cannot breathe.

And,
without you,
I cannot live.
I cannot be.

For you are finally intertwined with me.

"I should say I loved you..." ~ Jane Eyre

Perhaps I have not been entirely truthful.

I have been writing these past few months...just not all of my words have been here on the blog. I have a red moleskin notebook that has been filled with my thoughts of him since the night after our first date, now almost four months ago. The notebook has been by my nightstand, in his eyesight without knowing what it was. It was my way of expressing myself to him in moments where the feeling was too intense to carry in my heart alone, but not emote directly to him due to my vulnerabilities. Only a few weeks ago did I finally have the courage to share it with him, and that moment was intense for me...it was, indeed, one of the most vulnerable moments I have had in my life.

There are an infinite number of reasons as to what makes him a best friend, a best boyfriend, and a best lover to me. One of the quintessential reasons is that he never makes me feel I ever have to be self-conscious about my emotions, thoughts, and feelings; he is so accepting of who I am, just as I am accepting of who he is.

I didn't intend to share my writing here, but he encouraged me to do so. I wont share more than one, and this is the one I want to share with one significant addendum: the trust referred to has, indeed, been earned and given freely...

March 2, 2008

This bed smells like us...as if we embedded ourselves into the fabric of the sheets as we made love and unfolded into each thread. I think of you in this moment ~ your eyes, forearms, lips, hands, chin, chest, skin. I love touching your skin...smelling your skin. I love the color of your skin and the contrast of the tones of our hands when we lock our fingers together.
What I hate is that I cannot put my thoughts into my speech on matters of my feelings pertaining to you. I am still angry at myself for breaking down last night and giving into your interrogation of me - of my thoughts when it comes to you. What do you want to know? I feel like nothing I express could even be believed by you right now. More time must pass. I feel as though time is against me, and for you as well. Trust must be earned, not given freely. I do not trust you completely ~ not yet.

"Her beauty, her pink cheeks and golden curls..." ~ Jane Eyre

Mute Monday: Beauty (is in the eye of the beholder...)




Me in the mirror at Onteora B and B in true Whitman form, celebrating myself after 30 years of struggling to do so and finally triumphing...

"And that faithful friendship..." ~ Jane Eyre

Carrie has carried me through many a Sunday night when Saturday dreams were hanging out to dry. She and her crew also comforted me, along with Chinese take out (usually chicken lo mein) and a cheap bottle of chardonnay, on many a Friday night when I preferred to get a manicure and stay home for the evening after a long and stressful work week.

But it is my friends and sisters who have carried me through the severe moments of life's greatest pains and obstacles, and this kind of deep support from friends was reflected on the screen tonight above all else.

Yes, there was a festive and flirty feel to seeing the film tonight with my dear cousin, for three years ago we watched the last episode together in her den while eating desserts and learning Big's real name. Tonight we dressed up, we got cosmos after the movie, we fussed over the fashions in the film as we drank our pink drinks. It was a celebration on many levels, especially a celebration of friendship and sororial bonds.

For me, the best parts of the film were not about shoes, bags, sex, or the city. The most poignant parts dealt with the essence of friendship down to its rawest moments. I teared up often during the film, but sobbed when I saw Samantha having to literally feed Carrie because she was too depressed to eat. That hit home, and in that moment I thought about my sisters and my best girlfriends. I thought about the night I had to sleep at Missy's after a severe breakup because I just couldn't be alone. I thought about J.Sarah taking phone calls at two in the morning when I was in pain from being so hurt by a person's callousness and coldness. I thought about Robin coming over one morning when I actually couldn't get out of bed because I was heartbroken, and I thought about Cassie asking me the hardest questions about myself even though they were meant to make my life easier.

Of course the tables have been turned and I have been the one to be the support system, but my being there for them is just as much as a given as they are there for me. It doesn't take watching a film to appreciate the bonds that we have, but it certainly is special to have a reason to reflect on those bonds and revere them.

It has been hard living without Carrie and the crew these past few years, because they, too, served as a constant support in my life. It may sound trite to some, but it wont to those who truly understand what it is like to be a single woman in a city with brains and beauty, looking for the ultimate purpose in life: love. But, as the film points out so well and so clearly, perhaps in the end its not about romantic love...but the love of your girlfriends and sisters that matters the most in this life. Having both is the icing on the cake.

Thankfully, in that sense, I have it all, just like Ms. Carrie Bradshaw.

Cheers...

"A fortnight of dubious calm succeeded..." ~ Jane Eyre

The cottage room, main house, and reception area possess beautiful Japanese accents, and the gardens at the bed and breakfast also felt quite influenced by Japanese-style horticulture. I am a believer in feng-shui, and in addition to the physical environment achieving feng-shui (Chinese for "wind-water"), the energy between he and me also feels completely balanced, as it has been since our first date. When I am with him, a gentle wind blows over my soul and my emotions are as clear to me as water. It does not surprise me that a breakdown of the feng-shui theory is the yin/yang. It all comes down to energies balancing each other, whether that energy be love, passion, or desire.

The above photo was one of the prints in the bedroom depicting Japanese women preparing for a wedding. At first glance, there seems to be a great deal of chaos and activity, but if you focus deeper into the lines of the image, you see how evenly balanced the painting is, right down to the colors used. The deep and passionate red is balanced out by the cool and calming blue; an excess of either color would ruin the equilibrium. As one woman looks up, the other looks down; other women are facing each other on a perfect diagonal. There is a particular smooth curve to the riverbank the women stand on. There is nothing sharp or jagged about the lines - they all compliment each other in one fell motion of the brush.

Earlier this evening I was thinking about how some aspects of the Bushido of the samurai may be applied to a romantic relationship, especially rei. The amount of respect I have for him is immense; his mind and his soul command it. I know it is reciprocated, making it mutual and balanced.

Other aspects of the Bushido, such as self control, do not apply at all and it becomes a paradox of sorts. I lack all when it comes to him, yet I feel as though my emotions would be completely unaligned I possessed any at all...

"The moon rose with such majesty..." ~ Jane Eyre


He and I spent the past two days amidst the landscapes of the Catskill mountains. Each moment was surrounded by majestic mountains, vibrant flowers, breathtaking views, lush greens, and sweet smelling air. The environs were also decadent, with a cottage room filled with Japanese prints and a zen-like feel. The photos he took show all of the bounty that encompassed us, and taking it all in had a dreamlike feel to it. There are posts to come about our romantic getaway, but they all deserve this preface...

This early afternoon I stood in the shower with a skylight above me and views of the foliage from the window. Literally soaking it all in, tears came to my eyes, immediately blending into the water that ran down on me. All of this - this majesty, this uncultivated perfection, this beauty around me - is nothing compared to the soul of the man I was with here. There is more vitality in him than there is in the lilacs I smelled...there is more passion in him than in the petals of the red roses on the grounds...there is more majesty in him than the the regal mountains outside of the door this morning...

"Sweet paintings of butterflies..." ~ Jane Eyre

It has been two and a half months, and the butterflies will not cease to exist inside of me. Their wings flap inside of my stomach as crisply as a white linen sheet drying outside on a windy spring day, refusing to cease for even a moment for some tranquility. When the phone indicates his number, they begin to move inside of me, as if they were walking up a stem, slowly approaching a flower that is steadily in bloom. When a time is set to meet him, they leave the pillar all together and fly in the space that is my stomach, speedily pounding their wings in sync to the rhythm of my heartbeat. Before the hour of which we are set to meet, I try to distract myself from their continual soaring in my soul. Nothing really helps cease their presence, so eventually my encompassing the butterflies becomes the butterflies encompassing me. As time passes, I become more and more skeptical that they shall ever leave. Then again, I love their beauty, as well as the beauty they represent, and realize that perhaps I do not wish for them to leave...

"In the course of preparing tea..." ~ Jane Eyre

My bedroom smells like jasmine and vanilla and the scent makes me crave jasmine tea, among other things, which is brewing right now as I sit here to breathe deeply and make myself a proper afternoon tea. This is a vacation day for me, and I shall not return to work until Wednesday. I have an entire weekend to myself and am so excited that nothing is planned but time for me and to do things for myself.

Of course this morning I spent with Jack; he is attending "school" for an hour and a half at an amazing child recreation center that holds educational classes. I went to the house and my sister, Jack, adn I had mini waffles, hopped in the car, and then we got to sponge paint, sing, have snack, and play. I watch him in the room and am proud of his patience, his politeness, and how well he gets along with other children. I am going back to another class with him on Tuesday morning, this time a music class called "Broadway Babies" where musicians and actors dress the part from musicals and sing to the children. This Tuesday is Mary Poppins, so there was no way I was missing that experience to see him dance with a character dressed as Bert to "Step In Time."

I am moving again and excited - this time a house. A house I will share with my twin sister. I have not lived in a house since moving out of my parents' home when I was 22, so the idea excites me to no end, especially the idea of a garden. I want to plant flowers, of course, but I also want a vegetable garden of tomatoes, zucchini, and cucumbers. I want tomatoes so I can jar my own sauce, and I want cucumbers so I can make my own pickles. I am procrastinating this afternoon and looking at pickling websites. http://www.pickyourown.org/makingpickles.htm I do have to start packing and boxing, but it will be an easy move - not stressful. The only stressful part to me is picking paint colors. I am thinking long and hard about colors for the bedroom and want to veer away from the golden tone I have had for a few years now. I want something warm and am leaning towards: melon. Melon with brown and blue accents.

I am reading a book about a tea shop called The Tea House on Mulberry Street. Its a good, light, fluffy read for a cold February evening; it's about an Irish couple who own a teahouse in Belfast and about all of the colorful characters whom frequent the shop. There is a cherry cheesecake recipe at the end that sounds delicious and would make if I didnt dislike baking so much.

My tea is ready, my book is here, and I go from one written word to another...

"To cheat me..." ~ Jane Eyre


In the novel Jane Eyre, Jane leaves Rochester as soon as she learns his mad wife resides in the attic and refuses to run away with him after their wedding is ruined because of this discovery. Yes, what makes Jane a noble character is her sense of what is right, but what also makes her noble is her self-respect and pride in herself. When she leaves him, she loses everything but her self-love. In the end, she knew that was the most important possession to own.

I am aware that I have alluded to politics here at Eyre Affairs. It is not a subject I usually speak of, for it is a very private matter. As much as I elaborate on my life, there is so much, dear readers, that shall and always will remain private. Still, I brought up the election recently. I have indicated my support for Barack Obama, and some people have questioned why I do not support Hillary Clinton. The answer? Just call it female intuition.

Martin Luther King Jr. emphasized judging a person by the content of his/her character. Now, I have done my research on the candidates, and I have spent hours and hours learning about Barack Obama from his books to articles in The New Yorker to pieces on him on NPR. Until others do the same, I ask that comments about him be refrained until you educate yourself. I have concluded he is of excellent character; not perfect, but a good man who made choices in life without ever compromising his self respect.

I think that Hillary Clinton is a good woman and a smart woman. What I do not find her to be is a strong woman. I do not find it noble that she has made herself a doormat to get to where she is today. Her husband is a repeated adulterer, and if I had a young daughter, I would be concerned about Hillary Clinton as a role model. Your president is complacent to stay in a marriage where she has been emotionally abused by her husband not once, but many times. He has put his own child through pain and has made her endure humiliation in addition to Hillary's. Some may argue she is strong for keeping her family together, but I disagree. Her weakness is her ego, and she stays in a marriage that is a sham, much like what a marriage between Jane and Rochester would have been if Jane didnt stand up for her own self preservation.

Am I supposed to admire her for putting this country above her own well being? I cannot. I cannot admire her for putting aside her self respect and compromising her happiness. If we are not good to ourselves, we cannot be good to others. She spoke on the subject and said she did what was right for her. If that was right for her, than she is the wrong person to lead this nation. What he did was quintessentially wrong, and her continuance to keep him in her life makes me uneasy. And, sadly, perhaps I would be more apt to like her if she was divorced. Well, not perhaps - I most certainly would. She would then have proven that she takes shit from no one, and I admire that in a leader, and in a fictional heroine.

Oh there are other reasons. She is smug all of the time, she has skeletons in her closest that the GOP cant wait to bring out. She loves pointing fingers at other political parties but never admits the faults of those in her own party. I dont like that she piggybacked my state to get her where she is now, and I fear that she is embedded in so many political entanglements that her cabinet would be made up of all those she owed favors to.

If there is one thing I have learned as a woman who just turned thirty, it is to never compromise myself. I shall not and will not support any woman that is a repeat offender of placing her needs, wants, and desires of her soul in the trashbin and taking garbage over and over from the man who vowed to love her his entire life. She would be a hero if she left him, as Jane Eyre leaves Rochester. Instead, she becomes an antagonist to me - I look at her and see a compromised soul with tainted character. I wish Hillary Clinton would reread Jane Eyre, for she could learn a lot from such a heroine.

"Your decisions are perfectly judicious, madam..." ~ Jane Eyre

Right now life feels like I am in Grand Central Station staring at the track boards and wondering which is the right train to hop on. There are so many places to go, so many paths that are unchartered territory, and so many destinations one dreams of.

The first step I took was to Grand Central, because it has been grand leaving the classroom. It has been grand working at a University, and it has been grand having my colleagues become friends. I am reveling in the brightness of being in this station of life. But...I don't know if it is enough. I thought it was, but all of a sudden I see this all as a stepping stone, and there are more paths in front of me to perhaps take. Perhaps its the vision I see for the next decade of my life not being this particular life. Sure, its close, but why settle?

It isn't just about work, either. Its about relationships, too. Its about inner artistic passions not being fed externally. Its about lifestyle, its about environment, its about access to what matters most.

I am still restless in many ways. I don't know if I can sit for two more years for another Masters. I don't know if I can keep my writing here and here alone. I don't know if I can work and live in the small corner of the Gold Coast of Long Island. Perhaps I can, perhaps I will, but perhaps I certainly shall not.

Hence, I am at the train station wondering what to do. I would never hop any old train; the destination has to be all inclusive of what I want or I am not going.

So, I look for a train that takes me to an apartment in Astoria, my home away from home growing up. A train that leads me to a job I love in the city where I make good money and can take weekend car trips to ski in Vermont each winter. A train that takes me to a stage where I can do weekly readings with other writers in the city. A train that leads me to a romance where I am loved unconditionally. A train that speeds so fast that I never have to look back at the path forged in my twenties - I want that to fade as the sparks do on a third rail after a train arrives at the platform.

For now I am here at the station, sipping coffee and watching all of the travelers around me, silently wishing them good trips. Eventually, I know someone will wish me a good trip if or when I am ready to leave.

"Her salary will be thirty pounds a year..." ~ Jane Eyre

If my life were opening movie credits, I would say that my twenties was the opening from a Rogers and Hammerstein musical: hopeful, naive, and spanning wide open spaces with endless possibilities. A bit too whimsical, a tad too unrealistic...

As I enter my thirties at the end of this month, I would say the opening credits parallel Breakfast at Tiffany's. The music of Mancini is beautiful, but there are undertones of sadness in Moon River...a bit melancholy despite the lyrics about friends and rainbows. The character is a bit worse for the wear from pain, but still doing things that make her feel content and hopeful. Despite elegance and confidence and a big heart, neither myself or Holly have a diamond engagement ring from Tiffany's. Still, it is of no matter, because we can both hop in a New York City taxi cab at any time and go where we feel the most safe and secure. For Holly, it is Tiffany's and for me it is probably The Met. Nothing bad can happen there among Van Gogh paintings and ancient sculptures of Demeter because one remembers that one can, indeed, leave a legacy in so many creative ways. At thirty, I appreciate the simple things in life, like drinking my first cup of coffee in the morning as Holly does. She, too, knows you have to feed your soul literally and figuratively. As rich and full as my daily life is with friends and family, there are mornings that exist for me in solitude such as Holly's, where we drink coffee and ponder the same things. In some ways I feel like I have been a call girl to my career in my twenties as a teacher, compromising myself and allowing the lack of morals of students and parents around me to overrun my life; I put myself out there for far too long. There are no regrets, just going the way of the dream-maker, as Johnny Mercer puts it.

In the opening credits Holly stares at a chandelier in the store's window and tilts her head as she focuses on her symbol of hope. She isn't quite there yet, but she knows she will get there. She will get security and she will get the unconditional, committed romantic love she always dreamed of as a little girl. She turns the corner off of 5th with confidence...

I am not there yet, but I will get there. This I am confident about; I will get to the rainbow's end.

*At this time the clip of the scene is not available on any videostreams online, which is an indicator to you that you need to rent the film and enjoy each moment, from the opening credits to the final scene. If you choose not to Netflix, than you are missing a masterpiece, including the best film opening credits in the English language to date...*