Eyre Affairs

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Location: New York, United States

Sunday, January 20, 2008

"Your decisions are perfectly judicious, madam..." ~ Jane Eyre

Right now life feels like I am in Grand Central Station staring at the track boards and wondering which is the right train to hop on. There are so many places to go, so many paths that are unchartered territory, and so many destinations one dreams of.

The first step I took was to Grand Central, because it has been grand leaving the classroom. It has been grand working at a University, and it has been grand having my colleagues become friends. I am reveling in the brightness of being in this station of life. But...I don't know if it is enough. I thought it was, but all of a sudden I see this all as a stepping stone, and there are more paths in front of me to perhaps take. Perhaps its the vision I see for the next decade of my life not being this particular life. Sure, its close, but why settle?

It isn't just about work, either. Its about relationships, too. Its about inner artistic passions not being fed externally. Its about lifestyle, its about environment, its about access to what matters most.

I am still restless in many ways. I don't know if I can sit for two more years for another Masters. I don't know if I can keep my writing here and here alone. I don't know if I can work and live in the small corner of the Gold Coast of Long Island. Perhaps I can, perhaps I will, but perhaps I certainly shall not.

Hence, I am at the train station wondering what to do. I would never hop any old train; the destination has to be all inclusive of what I want or I am not going.

So, I look for a train that takes me to an apartment in Astoria, my home away from home growing up. A train that leads me to a job I love in the city where I make good money and can take weekend car trips to ski in Vermont each winter. A train that takes me to a stage where I can do weekly readings with other writers in the city. A train that leads me to a romance where I am loved unconditionally. A train that speeds so fast that I never have to look back at the path forged in my twenties - I want that to fade as the sparks do on a third rail after a train arrives at the platform.

For now I am here at the station, sipping coffee and watching all of the travelers around me, silently wishing them good trips. Eventually, I know someone will wish me a good trip if or when I am ready to leave.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Shannon said...

Wow- I really needed to read this today. I am feeling like it might be time for me to move on from my job and it is causing me a lot of stress and waaay too much thinking. Life is suddenly changing for me in a lot of ways and I'm not sure which train to take.

12:27 PM  
Blogger foam said...

sometimes..
there are many trains to choose from throughout life. i've hoped on several without looking to see where they would lead me ..;)
luckily they always landed me in a pretty good place.
i think it's good to stand at the platform for a while and looks, reflect and think. i think it's great that you are conscious of your next steps ought to take you.
....and may you find somebody who loves you unconditionally, for that is a hard one to come by at times.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Marty said...

Thursday! What a poet you are. That was beautiful, and I couldn't agree more. That was so well-written, I'm going to have to print it and save it, because masterpeices should be saved. I'm a bit older than you (I think), and thus, feel closer to the brink than you might imagine. I keep a constant, unending drive alive in me, that seems to never be quenched. But at the same time, I am so afraid of the change, that I resist it with all of my being. Here's hoping the train takes you to the best places for you-this is when life is best, after all; when we're in a place where we can learn and grow.

;)

4:42 PM  
Blogger Aunty Belle said...

Well, Sweet Pea, Aunty is wishin' ya GRAND trip---write on!

What sorta thangs does ya write? (I'se assumin' ya wanna write novels?)

WOuld sure like to read what ya git down on paper (or blog).

Better to move aheard with some trepidation than' to sink whar' ya is, I reckon...

7:23 PM  
Blogger she said...

what a great place to be...so many possibilities. whatever happened to your culinary dreams...i remember the fabulous cake maker lady...she might have been that critical contact. im thrilled you recognize that your artistic soul needs fuel..obey that. it is a glorious path.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Frumteacher said...

What a beautiful post. The picture blends in wonderfully. I totally relate to your questions. Seeing the third decade come closer makes you ask questions about where to go from here. The trains of life don't run according to a set time table, but by thinking and reflecting I am sure it's possible to hop on the right train. Do share your quest with us!

4:07 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

This was a FABULOUS post. You put it so eloquently. I loved every word.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Patti J. said...

I found your blog accidentally and have been catching up reading the archives. I so admire how you live life to the fullest and appreciate so many things in your life. You write beautifully and absolutely must follow that passion. Just make sure you let us know how to find all of your work!
Best wishes,
Patti J.

2:37 PM  

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