"Your decisions are perfectly judicious, madam..." ~ Jane Eyre

Right now life feels like I am in Grand Central Station staring at the track boards and wondering which is the right train to hop on. There are so many places to go, so many paths that are unchartered territory, and so many destinations one dreams of.

The first step I took was to Grand Central, because it has been grand leaving the classroom. It has been grand working at a University, and it has been grand having my colleagues become friends. I am reveling in the brightness of being in this station of life. But...I don't know if it is enough. I thought it was, but all of a sudden I see this all as a stepping stone, and there are more paths in front of me to perhaps take. Perhaps its the vision I see for the next decade of my life not being this particular life. Sure, its close, but why settle?

It isn't just about work, either. Its about relationships, too. Its about inner artistic passions not being fed externally. Its about lifestyle, its about environment, its about access to what matters most.

I am still restless in many ways. I don't know if I can sit for two more years for another Masters. I don't know if I can keep my writing here and here alone. I don't know if I can work and live in the small corner of the Gold Coast of Long Island. Perhaps I can, perhaps I will, but perhaps I certainly shall not.

Hence, I am at the train station wondering what to do. I would never hop any old train; the destination has to be all inclusive of what I want or I am not going.

So, I look for a train that takes me to an apartment in Astoria, my home away from home growing up. A train that leads me to a job I love in the city where I make good money and can take weekend car trips to ski in Vermont each winter. A train that takes me to a stage where I can do weekly readings with other writers in the city. A train that leads me to a romance where I am loved unconditionally. A train that speeds so fast that I never have to look back at the path forged in my twenties - I want that to fade as the sparks do on a third rail after a train arrives at the platform.

For now I am here at the station, sipping coffee and watching all of the travelers around me, silently wishing them good trips. Eventually, I know someone will wish me a good trip if or when I am ready to leave.